In this Valentine’s Day column I’d like to explore the possibility of using statistical analysis to turn your current boring relationship into a series of sexy numbers.

For decades baseball statistics nerds have been using sabermetrics to evaluate players based on such things as batting average on balls in play (BABIP), peripheral ERA (PERA), and wins above replacement (WAR). Unfortunately, none of those acronyms can be used to evaluate a girlfriend or recurring sexual partner, so I’ve come up with a few of my own:

Fucks Above Replacement (FAR) – This stat compares the number of times you get laid in a week against the number of times you’d get laid if you weren’t in a relationship.
cF = current fucks per week
rF = expected fucks per week with replacement
FAR = cF/rF
A number over 1 gives considerable value to your current partner. It should be noted that rF predictions tend to be higher than reality.

Fucks Above Replacement Adjusted (FAR+) – This takes FAR one step further by also factoring in the quality of sex compared to the expected quality of a replacement. Where the average replacement quality is 1, Q is a number greater than, equal to, or less than 1 to represent how current sex quality compares to replacement value. For instance, if sex with your girlfriend is 20% better than expected quality of replacement sex, Q=1.2
FAR+ = (Q)cF/rF

Mouthhug Inversion Ratio (MIR) – Stated simply as 1 divided by mouthhugs per week, this number provides another quality value for a relationship. MIR is roughly equal to the number of meaningless arguments started by the male per week. A very low MIR (indicating many mouthhugs per week) will lead to a very high Adjusted Quality Ratio (Q+), which can be calculated with the formula Q/(MIR). We use this to get our ultimate formula:

Fucks Above Replacement Mouthhug Adjusted (FARM+):
FARM+ = (Q+)cF/rF

Let’s use some of these stats to evaluate some celebrity relationships:

The Kardumphries:

If the video with Ray J was any indication, Kim is a dead fish in bed. As an NBA player, Kris did not have to make rF predictions, as he was undoubtedly already testing the waters before, during, and after their relationship. A very low Q+ and a very high rF leads to a low FARM+.

John Travolta and Kelly Preston

Kelly Preston is a former model who was once engaged to Charlie Sheen and is a practicing Scientologist. There is a 0% probability she isn’t totally crazy in the sack. Ignoring the rumors that John Travolta is actually gay, this relationship has lasted nearly 20 years because of the incredibly high predicted FARM+.

So there you have it. Sabermetrics can be used to both evaluate your own relationship and predict the longevity of relationships involving people you’ve never even met. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Post By Ira Gouldbergstein (4 Posts)

Born Ira Hyman Gouldbergstein to Evangelical Christian parents, Ira spends his time boozing, eating McRibs, and studying the Torah. He was an Agnostic, but they kicked him out for tithing only 5%.

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