Archive for February, 2012

Please Remove All Stickers From Baseball Caps



Don’t be a douche, take the damn sticker off your cap.

New STD

[collegehumor 1973920]

Cone-ing 2.0

I’m not sure if we can top this. Any ideas?

Education It’s A SNAP

 

— Ask Jake

The Slut Shuttle

This has to come to every college. (and they need to keep records of all the women that use it in a public form, with contact info)

— Jake

C-String

This little guy is the C-String.

You know when you ladies wear those little black dresses, and you really shouldn’t be showing any panty lines. But at the same time, you dont want to feel like a total slut by wearing no underwear. Just begging to be bent over for easy access at any time. Or maybe its just -12 out and you really look hot in that short dress but your lips might get chapped. The C-String is for you, now you can look easy without being “that” easy. Or worry about frostbite on both pair of lips.

Always worried about getting your delicates sun burned? Yet you still don’t want those terrible tan lines. That just scream prude, to the guy that is getting you liquored up tonight. The C-String is here to save you from that dilemma. Not only will you not have tan lines, but you will also be protecting the lips from sun burn. Lets face it, they are in for a beating tonight anyways. By that guy who pretends to drink as he hands you shot after shot.

I know what you are thinking ladies… does it vibrate? Sadly Nope.

But just think of the attention your going to be getting. That your whore/slut friends wont. When a guy sees this peaking out of the top of your pants as you bend over. He will know for sure that you demand to be treated with respect. Because you are wearing this for you and not for attention.

Or he will just think you have the craziest tampon he has ever seen.

I know, I know. Stop teasing you and give you the link already.. Here it is.
https://www.cstringdirect.com/

Now hurry before you’re the last one to get it and be made fun of by your loose friends. Just like you were when you were the last one to do a 3 way.

–Jake

Water

Drank from one of these today.  They provide water, which is wet. The water was also somewhat cold.  Would drink from again. A++++

Using Sabermetrics To Evaluate Your Relationship

In this Valentine’s Day column I’d like to explore the possibility of using statistical analysis to turn your current boring relationship into a series of sexy numbers.

For decades baseball statistics nerds have been using sabermetrics to evaluate players based on such things as batting average on balls in play (BABIP), peripheral ERA (PERA), and wins above replacement (WAR). Unfortunately, none of those acronyms can be used to evaluate a girlfriend or recurring sexual partner, so I’ve come up with a few of my own:

Fucks Above Replacement (FAR) – This stat compares the number of times you get laid in a week against the number of times you’d get laid if you weren’t in a relationship.
cF = current fucks per week
rF = expected fucks per week with replacement
FAR = cF/rF
A number over 1 gives considerable value to your current partner. It should be noted that rF predictions tend to be higher than reality.

Fucks Above Replacement Adjusted (FAR+) – This takes FAR one step further by also factoring in the quality of sex compared to the expected quality of a replacement. Where the average replacement quality is 1, Q is a number greater than, equal to, or less than 1 to represent how current sex quality compares to replacement value. For instance, if sex with your girlfriend is 20% better than expected quality of replacement sex, Q=1.2
FAR+ = (Q)cF/rF

Mouthhug Inversion Ratio (MIR) – Stated simply as 1 divided by mouthhugs per week, this number provides another quality value for a relationship. MIR is roughly equal to the number of meaningless arguments started by the male per week. A very low MIR (indicating many mouthhugs per week) will lead to a very high Adjusted Quality Ratio (Q+), which can be calculated with the formula Q/(MIR). We use this to get our ultimate formula:

Fucks Above Replacement Mouthhug Adjusted (FARM+):
FARM+ = (Q+)cF/rF

Let’s use some of these stats to evaluate some celebrity relationships:


The Kardumphries:

If the video with Ray J was any indication, Kim is a dead fish in bed. As an NBA player, Kris did not have to make rF predictions, as he was undoubtedly already testing the waters before, during, and after their relationship. A very low Q+ and a very high rF leads to a low FARM+.



John Travolta and Kelly Preston

Kelly Preston is a former model who was once engaged to Charlie Sheen and is a practicing Scientologist. There is a 0% probability she isn’t totally crazy in the sack. Ignoring the rumors that John Travolta is actually gay, this relationship has lasted nearly 20 years because of the incredibly high predicted FARM+.


So there you have it. Sabermetrics can be used to both evaluate your own relationship and predict the longevity of relationships involving people you’ve never even met. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Disclaimer

All characters appearing or referenced on this site — especially those based on real people — are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or undead, in the case of zombies), is purely coincidental.

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